Dont make excuses for this idiot! My friends husband just asked me out! Or are you really a grudge holder yourself? I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. Thats a good sign for me. If you forgive, you may be able to let go of your grudge and start to move on with your life. . Those . There are some tips Ive learned which may or may not work for you but I hope theyll lead to a better understanding of how we can refocus our thoughts. Block this idiot. I have gotten two jerks out of my life this year and now I have my own concerns more at heart. And furthermore I think you look too easy, you appear non-discriminating and youre too available for them. These people are practicing these things willfully and maliciously. Like carrying a heavy bag for a long time, you stop really noticing until you put it down, then oh, the relief! If we keep acting like we just fell out of the sky into today or that we have to blank out the past, not only do we end up missing out on lots of valuable information and lessons that can help us to increase self-knowledge that helps us better navigate our journey through life, but we also end up having to forget the good too. I am and will always be a person of extremes. Until you may not have a choice but to stop. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. Youre mean to not want to go there. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. Had to get to a point where I picked the most rotten man around and risk my life. Letting go of grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. These Are The Signs Of A Dysfunctional Family, Tian Dayton Quotes: Feeling Angry All The Time, Self Esteem Quote: Your Mental Illness Is Lying, 100 Tips For Growing Up My 20 Years of Recovery, What Is Resentment And Why You Have To Let It Go, 7 Ways To Overcome Addictions Destructive Conditioning, What Makes You Healthy High School Art / Media Contest 2023. I agree with everything you wrote, Rosie. I deal with this a lot. The Golden Rule. She is also a gold and silver ADDY award winner. If this is true, you're not holding a grudge, you just don't like her, which you're allowed to do. And find a way to learning about and empowering yourself. I am beyond crushed that he sent just 2 lame text messages after he said he had no time for a relationship. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. When someone points out your habit, you may be blamed with good reason. I have gone through all the possible explanations, mostly that he is a narcissist, certainly emotionally damaged, that he was playing with me, that he got scared, etc. I was misguided and blind. endstream endobj startxref I simply remembered that episode because the nerdy guy was acting totally EUM and I felt the girl could do so much better just like us BR readers who chase after EUMS. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. Why he would want to is another question you dont have to worry about unless youre still with him. Instead, I am putting on a program highlighting the students in this program, their work, and invited the administrator who wants to cut this program to the event so he can actually meet the very students he wants to disposess. Thank you Courtney and Lizzie. To provide you with the most relevant and helpful information, and understand which But if you feel like you need to (or want to) cancel plans with someone, you might want to reflect a bit more on the reason why. But there are strategies you can try to help you move past your anger and hurt feelings. The Lords prayer is helpful in learning how to do that because of the line forgive us our debts AS we forgive our debtorsSee? Its not there. Pray for you, wish tbe best for YOU. You cant make sense out of insanity and crazymaking. I hear you. Sometimes the person you need to say no to is *yourself*. privacy practices. NC is brilliant. My therapist said, I didnt have good role models growing up. This is great! I comprehend her disorders, but I also know that she is very intelligent. I am struggling with breaking no contact to let him know that I am aware that he was dishonest and may have been cheating. I agree 100%! What you said struck a chord with me, that you can engage superficially with an EU romantic prospect but keep them at arms length. dont care, dont care, dont care. I realised that I dont need him to validate my feelings and that I dont need him in my life to feel happy. Phone call would have made me more pouty, I am sure. They arent listening or tell you youre just plain wrong. "Consider talking about the problem so that you can feel comfortable with them again.". You get tempted to go for that fix, but you stay away. It just isnt worth it and it only leads to more frustration, unhappiness and anger in the long run. He saw my face when he said this and then he laughed and said I cant help it, Im an ass, and laughed again. I know that getting over this has to be an inside job for me and Im frustrated that I still feel stuck going on a year and a half. See (jumping in as someone who got themselves messed up over church teachings on religion), my 2ps-worth: Forgiving people is an action, feelings are just feelings (although if you entertain vengeful manky feelings youre being unloving towards yourself, and should stop). Dont have to make a big scene, just not be free to meet up as often. Thanks everyone for your really helpful advice. Focus on self care and the respectful boundaries you deserve. Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation. I have my dignity-you are correct. I really do think he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It will take time for me to recover and I think for you too.so be patient with yourself.. And it is unfortunately that you have to see him but I understand that you do and I know I will have to do that toofrom time to time but I just hope I will be able to be less triggered as time passes so he wont affect me anymore. Im not sure I forgive by socio path father yet. Improved heart health. "Take a look at the feelings that arise immediately after you think about an old friend, a past co-worker or an ex. Human beings are quite complex and the situations which evolve with them are usually even more complex. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. Somehow I found it preferable to have this idealized harmony than to exercise my stronger, more realistic side (which is most decidely alive and well). I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. Why should it be any different w people? My life had literally come to standstill and wasnt going anywhere, but it was only until things ended with him that I started building up my self-esteem and confidence to set myself goals and actually achieve them. Not an easy road, but doable. The AC is not worthy of forgiveness, he never understood he did wrong and is pulling the same shite all over again with someone else. I see like this Its as if two people (friends/lovers), have been heavily into drugs for years. But it was FWB even if you wanted more. Less anxiety, stress and hostility. Wondering if I meant anything as he sent a few lame text messages and that was it. What makes someone do that? What's the difference between setting and respecting a boundary vs. holding a grudge? But, same thing happens, again and again. Who hasn't been hurt by the actions or words of another? If you hold a grudge about everything others do whether right or wrong, you may be the toxic person in the equation. I realized Id only be going because I felt obligated to attend and not really because I wanted to see any of these people. We are all human beings, meaning we are entitled to do things that others are not okay with at some point or another. Don't get me wrong, Penn gets upset. A hustler respects the process and knows what it really takes to achieve the seemingly impossible, while grinders often hate because they don't understand how to similarly master the game. I dont like to be around you. I dont want to risk, the consequences and possible damage that comes w that drug. I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. Feeling indifferent to a person is another way that you might be able to tell that you're secretly harboring a grudge. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. The Miracle is possible! But why should I stop going to events and meeting people just because of the AC. Why do you keep pretending that all of this stuff didnt happen in the past when its happening in your present? and on the other hand says, A better person would have been able to move past that. %%EOF This msg came right on time, yesterday church sermon was based on managing relationships in general and the pastor challenged the entire congregation to reach out and correct a relationship my mind went to my ex now let me say he was up front about his incertitude and I should have ended it but I have learnt from this situation. She told my sister she hasnt heard from me. Holding a grudge happens when. He also conveniently forget to tell me that his old friend was coming to visit and the relationship is not platonic his words!!! I am an adult now, not a child who depends on her for whatever scraps she felt obligated to dole out. these are the effs I do not give. Still, forgiveness is possible even if reconciliation isn't. My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. At first, I tried to play it cool. grudge noun. The difference in these recent EUM situations I was in, is that I never got emotionally invested. Don't be afraid to ask for some space or take a step back before continuing the conversation. Listen to it. Youre seeing the forest beyond the trees. Your response is keeping me strong. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". A boundary is wiping that gum off, accepting the evidence that it was once there, but moving forward without that bump. Funny this applies to a decision I made in relation to a recent school reunion I was invited to. The only emotion I have when I think of her is pity. "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. I couldnt really forgive him but I could not let it go either. *Whenever you think of your ex, write a To-Do list of pleasurable things you want to do for yourself to take care of yourself. I was actually relieved when she showed her true feelings on that voice mail message because now I can let everyone who wants to know why I dont have anything to do with her listen to the incredible, unbelievable message she left her daughter. I wish I didnt have to keep the distance up, and I think if there is forgiveness that ever needed to happen, I do forgive. He doesnt need to know that you forgive him, you do. This happened to me or similar. NOTHING, time to live in present and learn/forget my painful past! This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged. Courtney- thank you so much for your wisdom I know I need to stay out of them soooooo hard. It means theres a part of him thats unhealthy and drawn to her for that reason. Remember your boundaries. , Revolution- Thanks for your understanding and patience with me as well. None of these are likely. No theological debates on here, God forbid. Ill definitely remember that. He has not been dependable, or offered you much of anything, except a bit of charm. It gives me hope that when I leave this house physically I will have the same sense of relief. I hadnt even realised it was there. Even if you think you are not good enough for love or that you dont deserve love, know that the moment true love is revealed to you will be the very moment you could live in for eternity. Yes, you are correct-breaking the no contact would be a way in which to stay connected and see if yet there is a chance he will commit and to communicate my hurt and anger. I just sort of lump them altogether as enemies. Learn. This is yet another occurrence where you put something into words that I havent seen anywhere before. Merci. Holding grudges is one of the top ways that people lose valuable relationships. Jeez! I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. Unsubscribe at any time. What are you bearing grudges for? Ive dated many abusers and narcissists in the past who have said awful things to me and I recycle them in my head all the time regardless of how long ago it was. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to have in your life. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! I promise you that woman holds grudges. Lower blood pressure. I used to believe that remembering the past only had anger and hurt in it but by remembering and processing it with a perspective thats been increasingly informed by self-care, Im at peace with me and because Im not carrying a load of blame and resentment, I can choose what types of interactions I want to have with a person based on a healthier perspective and manage myself accordingly, safe in the knowledge that Im doing my best to respect each of us in reality instead of being mired in BS. With all of my relationships Im the same way. Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. Its still very difficult and my feelings are fluctuating a lot. Your kind words will stay with me and give me extra strength to keep NC. I am very up front with him too. But I am trying to maintain my dignity. ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. In fact, I have had a feeling for a while that there may be a lot there that Id better not know. Like a moth to a flame, I know exactly what its like to feel drawn to this type and if you can, find the strengthfly away fly away! He had no answer to that so I walked away. my weakness is intelligence too, but rememberintelligent people can be some of the most effed up folks on the planet. But at last he has left and I am fine! He has since ended things with gf, though he continues to be friends with her, and is trying to reconcile our friendship. He told me this as tactfully and honestly as he could and Im still thinking, Oh, he doesnt really mean it. Glad you wrote me, so I can get real again. I will never contact my mother again. They're suffering from an emotional imbalance, which therapy might help. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. Thats when it becomes a real wake up call, when your kids know better than you do. It would be easy to put myself under a load of pressure to try to do All The Things in the name of book promo, but my body said no to hoeing myself out.Instead, Ive had a lot of quiet time, a few super early nights where Ive been fast asleep by 9.30, and have put myself under strict orders to stop overloading my schedule. You may opt-out of email communications at any time by clicking on So glad youre out of that horrific situation. Never saw my best friend again. How does one get past this with any modicum of forgetting and forgiving? You may be drawn to him, but ask yourself why at this point. Or immature? Hes not stupid, and he knows Im protecting my heart. Guess Im not as awesome as i originally thought. It isn't always easy to forgive but remembering the forgiveness we have received from God makes it possible. Im interested in using the past and holding a grudge and how that affects how you interact with people today. Teachable, I would block his email on Facebook. I think that once I get this off my chest ILL be able to move on and not seethe with anger silently at how I was treated. Actually, theres nothing to forgive because he never tried to hurt me and he has always been honest, even painfully so. If you can truly wish someone the best without being best friends with them, you're probably not holding a grudge. Friends, work colleagues whom he had no reason to get involved with only to act the victim. Im sorry for you too. We also mistake the fact that we may recognise what does and doesnt work for us and that we may actually be feeling relatively at peace about something thats happened, as an automatic precursor to going for another round or even treat it as a court order from our inner critic. You think. The word "rancor" means: Bitter, long-lasting resentment; deep-seated ill will and it is a feeling of hate and continuing anger about something in the past: Example: They cheated me, but I feel no rancor towards/against them. As a recovering people pleaser, Im done with jumping through hoops trying to prove myself to unpleasable people. I believe moving onto the next guy is a way to avoid this and has the potential to keep you stuck, not to mention that it is not respectful to new guy when you are essentially emotionally unavailable to him.